the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
