Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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