I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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