if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
