first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
