Dude my mom stole all your condoms
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
