If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
