If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
