i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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