Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
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