Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize