Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize