weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
