That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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