Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
