I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize