Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
