Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
