My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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