Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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