Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Randomize
