Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
