Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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