we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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