i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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