It's like a parade of train wrecks.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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