Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
