im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
