had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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