Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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