can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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