I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
