my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
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