I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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