I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
