Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
