Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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