If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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