My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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