Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
