my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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