His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
