we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
