If that was your dad, he is hot
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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