I hate your face
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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