I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
