wanna go halves on a baby?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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