Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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