Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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