GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
