come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize