No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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