My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
