the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Randomize
