Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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