Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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