mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
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