There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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