So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
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